On Friday, I sat down with my boss to discuss how things have been going since I transferred into her department earlier this year. We talked for 2 hours, and probably could have gone on longer if it hadn’t been 5:30 on a Friday afternoon. I won’t detail the whole conversation, but there were two things that stood out and that I’ve been contemplating all weekend.
First, I mentioned how I enjoy writing and working on the communication pieces we do for work. I also mentioned how I wanted to go back to Toastmasters and finish doing that. So we decided that I would take on more communication-oriented things for work, and that I would continue doing Toastmasters as part of my professional goals. Sweeet. (Look out TED, I’m gonna be talkin’ for you some day!) I’m pretty excited about this, as it ties in with my personal goals of being a writer and eventually becoming a public speaker. I mean, I’ve got a lot of stories to tell.
Second, we talked about psychological things, like people’s levels of self-awareness and behavior. One thing that came up was how people perceive themselves, and how these perceptions can sometimes be so horribly askew from reality. I mentioned to her that I struggle with my self confidence because I perceive myself as being unattractive and awkward. She practically fell off the couch. She said that people don’t see me that way at all and that everyone thinks I’m really nice and she even said I was gorgeous. What?
So anyway, I was thinking a lot about that over the weekend. I wonder why it is that people can be so off about themselves? I mean I’ve known several people (usually guys) who think they are just so awesome, and in reality they are awkward and smelly and make people uncomfortable. Meanwhile there are people who are amazing, smart, funny, sensitive and caring and they hate themselves. Why is this? Honestly. It is so frustrating. I wish I could go out there and fix everyone, myself included. I’ve spent the last 5 years learning to love myself. And really the last decade forcing myself to go out and not just stay in my house and hide all the time. I know in my situation there are plenty of reasons I learned to dislike myself. Deep down I have always loved myself, but it’s been such a rocky relationship! And to this day I am taken back when someone tells me that I am interesting or amazing or gorgeous. Gorgeous. Really?
Yesterday I got together with some of the family and went for a walk. Here’s my brother and I riding in the truck with the dogs humping each other in the back. That’s a typical get together for us. Awkward? Yes.