Hiding Under A Bushel

One of the Wee Sing Bible Songs we used to listen to on repeat as kids was “This Little Light of Mine,” and lately, I’ve been thinking about the refrain “Hide it under a bushel – NO! I’m gonna let it shine!”

I feel like I’ve been hiding my light under a bushel for a while now. I’m not sure what happened exactly, but for the past few years, I’ve struggled to let my light shine (let it shine, let it shine, let it shine).

I guess if I think about it, I can pinpoint a few things. The biggest one is that I feel like since the Trump era, things started gettin’ really ugly on social media. Even people I used to chat with on a regular basis became practically enemies (or so it felt). One guy in particular that I knew from Toastmasters and enjoyed talking to about writing and books and various philosophical ideas turned out to be vehemently anti-vax, pro-Trump and basically turned into an Incel over the course of a few months. It was all fun and games when his conspiracy theories were about things like the JFK assassination and alien abductions, but when he started talking about how he was going to be thrown into a concentration camp and gassed for not being vaccinated, I began to back away slowly. Just kidding – that’s when I turned and ran. I haven’t talked to him in over a year and am still disturbed to think about it. I feel bad for him because what a miserable life it must be to be constantly afraid like that.

I also think that the whole COVID-times isolation changed me. Before 2020, I’d always been a homebody, but thanks to work and social engagements, I was out and about pretty much every day. Since I started working from home in 2020, I got really comfortable never leaving my house. Even now that most things are “back to normal,” I can go an entire week or more without using my car at all. Taking a trip to the grocery store feels like an epic journey. (Also because we live out in the country, it IS a 15-minute drive just to get to the store). I do visit my family and occasionally go out with friends or to a garden club activity, but for the most part, I am home all the time with my cats and Dave, when he isn’t working.

In all my time at home, I have been doing a lot of navel-gazing. I’ve gone through 3 therapists and a couple of group therapy/trauma groups before finding my current therapist, who is freaking amazing. I’ve been writing a lot (in my journals) and gardening, and trying to read a lot, too. I’m reveling in being alone and making friends with myself.

Maybe that sounds corny – but for so much of my life, I have tried to be what other people wanted me to be. Growing up a Christadelphian, I worked hard to be a good little sister, obeying all the rules and being good and pure (until I wasn’t – haha). I was always a good little student in school and then a good little employee at all my jobs. But I was always struggling to figure out who I was under all the masks I wore.

So anyway, here I am at 40-something-or-other, still wondering what I will do next and how. I do get panicky some days because I think I have to hurry up and do something new or different before I get too old. But then I remind myself that lord willing and the crick don’t rise; I am likely only about halfway through my life, so I have time. And perhaps this quiet, self-reflective time is just me refueling my light so that I can let it shine, let it shine, let it shiiiine.