Analyze This

Ever since my first psychology class in high school, I’ve been low-key obsessed with wondering why people are the way they are and why they act the way they do. Myself included. I wanted to see a therapist to probe the depths of my psyche way back then, but I was afraid to ask my mom to take me to one because I didn’t have anything obviously “wrong” with my mind or my behavior, and the stigma was that only freaks, crazies, and weirdos would need to see a therapist.

I satiated my curiosity by taking psychology courses in high school and college and taking in as much behavioral science content as possible. To this day, I love a good “self-help” book. I enjoy reading about psychopaths and narcissists and thinking, “Why are they like this?” (Spoiler alert: it’s trauma).

When I was about 30 years old, after white-knuckling my way through the highs and lows of my 20s, I finally felt like I had accumulated enough emotional baggage to merit seeing a therapist. I saw an ad in the local paper for a place called Sandalwood Counseling, and I figured, what the heck, I’ll give them a call. I left a voicemail in which I dumped out my thoughts about why I needed a therapist, and a short time later, I had a call back from a kindly older man whose voice enveloped me like the safe and comforting arms of a grandfather I’d never had.

Meeting with a therapist for the first time was life-changing. I realize now how lucky I was to find a good one on the first try. Gary was kind, welcoming, and non-judgmental. It was a stark contrast to the closed-minded, judgemental, uptight Christadelphian culture I’d been steeped in for most of my life. Being able to share my thoughts, feelings, and fears without being mocked, talked down to, or offered bible verses as answers to my questions was truly mind-blowing.

Even though I had left Christadelphia 5 years before, I was still very much affected by having grown up in it. I had been conditioned to live in fear and to distrust my instincts and thoughts. I knew this was messed up, and I was working through it on my own, but getting professional help accelerated the process.

I only saw Gary for about 6 months, but we covered a wide variety of topics: my early life medical traumas, my insecurities, my family, leaving my religion, spirituality, meditation, and so on. His guidance helped me out of a stuck place and on with my adult life.

In the years since then, I have tried a handful of therapists to help me out when times got tough. I found it was hard to find someone who understood me the way Gary did. One therapist I tried spent the entire first (and only) session telling me how her daughter had a lot of medical issues, so she totally understood my medical trauma. Another returned my call from what sounded like her kids’ baseball practice and was so distracted and careless on the callback that I immediately knew she wasn’t a good fit. Some others were easy enough to talk to, but I ended up feeling more like I was paying someone to be a friend than a professional to help me navigate my inner tumult.

I also tried group therapy, which was a trip. I suspect it’s an easy way for therapists to make money because they are getting paid by multiple clients for the amount of time they’d normally spend with just one or two. The appeal of group therapy is that it’s a little cheaper than one-on-one, and there’s usually some sort of theme that unites the group, so you feel bonded by the shared trauma or whatever. But there always ends up being a person, or two, who talk a lot and dominate the conversation, and then others who have to be prodded to speak, and it can go south quickly if you don’t have someone skilled leading the conversation. I find it challenging to wait my turn to say something because I forget what I am going to say immediately.

All this backstory is to say that my journey to find a great therapist has reached a pinnacle because I found someone who can match my wit and intellect. (No, I’m not a narcissist.) I have long been searching for someone to do IFS (Internal family systems) therapy with, and I recently read a book about IFS that had a recommendation to an IFS website that listed IFS practicioners. In this post-covid world, many offer remote sessions, so it doesn’t matter if they aren’t close enough to drive to. I am really excited to have someone who specializes in the therapy that I’ve wanted to explore for at least a decade after I first tried it with Gary.

It’s only been a few weeks that I’ve been working with this new therapist and doing IFS, but I am already noticing how much less anxious I feel. In the past few years, I’ve been struggling with anxiety and negative feelings. Observing the behavior of my fellow humans during this time of cultural upheaval, political vitriol, climate change, and the global pandemic, I’d fallen into a bit of despair about the future of it all. I’ve also been feeling really stuck in my career and torn between wanting to just kick back and enjoy the comfort of having a well-paying job that’s relatively easy and predictable versus taking a leap and trying something new.

A good therapist validates your feelings and helps you work out the why behind them by asking the right questions. With IFS therapy, the therapist guides you through your various parts and helps you to figure out where they originated and why they are activated in certain situations. The overarching goal is to heal from past trauma and move forward in positive and productive ways.

My new therapist has helped me find a more positive approach to some of my traits by reframing them for me. Rather than it being a negative and annoying trait that I always ask a lot of questions and need answers, she’s reminded me that those are positive qualities, to be inquisitive and curious. I am a storyteller who is looking for the story.

I suppose this particular story has reached its end for now. I’d like to get back to writing more, and to not caring too much whether people like what I write or not. The people who need to see it will find it, and those who like it will like it, and those who don’t can just read something else!

Byeee!